What’s wrong with self-help people?

Have you ever heard of Anger Management? It was very popular a few years ago. One of our clients had a customer who was an anger management consultant. This consultant ran courses for people in a house miles from anywhere.

His delegates would arrive late at night. Those who travelled by train would end up in a virtually deserted station two miles from the house. There was no taxi service and no phone reception. They had to make their way along unmarked and narrow lanes and then through a field (carrying their luggage) till, if they were lucky, they reached the house.

Those who came by car would have to make their way along a pot-holed road so full of deep craters that it was almost guaranteed to generate a big repair bill. 

By the time they had risked their necks getting to the location of the anger management course, most of them were very angry at the way they had been treated.

They were then told that it was their fault that they were angry and they needed to learn how to manage their anger.

I can only imagine how angry they were to hear this.

A difficult person to deal with

It turned out that this consultant was very difficult to deal with. He seemed to incite anger wherever he went. So he encountered a world full of anger and thought people should learn to control it.

Self help consultants

My dear friend Bryan told me a similar tale recently. His client presses DVDs and CDs. The one group of people this guy hates dealing with was the ‘self-help’ consultants. Awkward, fussy, difficult, they take the biscuit.

He far prefers the small bands and groups that comprised his normal, happy customers.

Oh dear. I cringed a bit when I heard this and wondered what we had been like to deal with when we produced our CDs and DVDs. I hope we were better than this.

Are you creating your own difficult people?

It’s undeniable that there are some people who are very hard to deal with.  But it’s also undeniable that there are some people who go around creating their very own difficult people.

I gave a talk recently on how to deal with difficult people. Before the meal I met a chap who reported having to deal with many awkward and difficult souls so bad you could end up poking needles in your eyes rather than wanting to talk to them.

Within a few seconds it became obvious why he experienced these problems. The tall, tanned man with the ready smile who had been part of the conversation quickly spotted someone he really needed to talk to on the other side of the room and I was left saddled with the guy while he told me of all the dreadful people he worked with. Then he moved onto his wife.

Just in case you are wondering what this delightful chap did, the main problem was his unerring belief that he is right and love of showing others just how wrong they are.

What are you doing to cause your problems?

So here’s the key – before you go blaming others for behaving badly, always ask yourself what you could have done that may have encouraged the response you are getting.

At least 90% of the time, you’ll find that there’s another way you could approach the individual that will often give you a better response. Find out what here.

How to stop interruptions in meetings

Do you have this problem with someone who keeps interrupting you in meetings?

Here’s what to do and an example of how it worked.

I was asked to run a meeting for a colleague who was having real trouble with one of the committee members (we’ll call her Beryl) who constantly interrupted everyone in the meetings. I’d seen the woman in action, so knew what he was up against.

I told him to follow my lead and not to worry about what I was doing if it seemed a bit strange.

Frame the meeting

At the beginning of the meeting I made it clear that everyone would get a chance to voice his or her opinion at each stage of the process.

We went through the first step. Beryl interrupted. I told her she would get her turn as soon as those ahead of her had been asked. I asked the others, then her. She voiced her concerns, which I summarised and noted to make it clear I had listened to them.

Proactive approach

After the next point, before she could interrupt (I could see her drawing breath) I told Beryl she would be asked as soon as it was her turn. Every time I saw her about to speak, I repeated the same process, and always made sure I asked her for her views.

After about half an hour she ran out of things to say. I persisted and kept asking her for her views. By the end of the meeting she was simply waving her hand to say she had nothing more to add.

My fellow school governors were astonished. She had been transformed in a matter of hours.

The secret of the transformation

Beryl just wanted to be heard. When she thought no one would listen, that just made her more determined to be heard. So she tried harder. Of course the more she tried, the more they resisted. The system was self-perpetuating.

Instead of falling in line with this system myself, I set up a new system, which meant that Beryl felt confident that she would have a chance to speak and be listened to. So all the effort was removed and she became, once again, a useful member of the team instead of a pain in the neck.

For more help with all kinds of difficult behaviour check our products to help you with difficult people and bullies.

The cost of poor ‘Soft Skills’

We have a little tool on our website called the 'Difficult People Calculator'.

It asks you various questions about a difficult person you are dealing with, such as how much of your time they are taking up per week, how many sales you have lost as a result of their behaviour and so on.

The cost is always at least twice what you think it is. Last year I ran a client through some figures on an extremely difficult person in his department who had some serious behaviour issues including that he bullied some of his staff.

At the end of the discussion he totted up the figures and said the cost was £1m. I asked how long she had been there. “12 years.” He responded.

“So that’s about £80,000 a year.” I said.
“No.” He answered. “I meant she’s costing us £1m EVERY YEAR.”

He was pale as he checked his figures. He recognized that they were correct. He just hadn’t really added it up before.

The trouble with ‘soft skills’ is that you often just put up with the problem and don’t realise how much of a problem it is. You’ve lived with it for 12 years, so what’s another year?

Soft skills problems can be fixed

Soft skills can be improved, often without much effort. The individual just needs some help. Sometimes it can be as simple as making sure they get the feedback they need. Other times it can be a bit more tricky. But remember to balance up the cost of doing nothing before you complain about the cost of a cure.

Difficult People Calculator  Try it now.